latest ink

last week, i arrived at my new favourite tattoo parlour for my appointment and sat comfortably for the afternoon while my artist artist and i made each other laugh, and ponder v deep thoughts while singing along to an extremely diverse playlist. i almost cried when he finished. i had gone in a few days before to brainstorm and am perfectly pleased w the outcome. 


it has always amazed me how differently mental and physical are treated. okay, long story short (bc i am already tired of the oncoming rant that usually follows this), i got a tattoo of a bouquet w ribbon saying “get well soon” around it. bc why the fuck can’t us mental illness sufferers get flowers or even balloons brought to cheer us up? i would settle for a card. i am realising that i have never gotten a card, not even during my darkest days. i hope i will someday, so until then, i will admire the bouquet from myself


the four flowers that i have and the meanings behind them (i know the symbolism in the floral language differs but these are the ones that i chose to focus on):

peonies for prosperity 

lillies of the valleys for increased happiness

gladioluses for strength of character 

queen anne’s lace for sanctuary 

and that about does it for my latest addition to my body. can’t stop staring. 

get well soon and don’t forget to send a card to your favourite person struggling w mental/invisible illnesses,

xo

bee

currently

happy saturday! the weather reached eighty degrees today and i was at the farmers market before work so it’s been a p good day. 

currently, i am:

listening to: joanne by lady gaga. obsessed. 

watching: the office and anything funny to get the gut-wrenching after taste of 13 reasons why out of my system. i actually don’t know how i feel about it. i wanted to throw up, i sobbed, and haven’t been feeling too pleasant after watching it. v well done though! i applaud them for not glamorizing suicide. 

feeling: energized by the weather or the many shots of espresso i am slipping into my drinks. 

craving: another chile mocha, like the one from this morning at germack coffee. 

excited for: more trips to eastern market !! i went w my parents and we bought some lovely daffodils. 

baking: (or planning on it) nutella babka for my family tomorrow 

reading: one of my favourites from high school: mara, daughter of the nile. i am v pleased bc so far it’s exactly as i remember it, and glad it hasn’t disappointed me in that sense. you know how sometimes you turn back to something you’ve always loved, only to find it isn’t the same? not the case here. i couldn’t be happier about it. 

wanting: to go on vacation !! 

nervous about: my family wanting me to go to church w them for easter tomorrow. i haven’t been to church other than weddings or funerals in ages and i don’t know if i can do it. also going to jury duty monday. also everything. the news is a scary place to examine right now. 

that’s about all! what are you up to?

xo,

bee

sunday

this week has been rough. it involved laying in bed until the last possible moment before dragging myself to work and plastering a smile on my face. it’s been netflix, weird once-a-day meals and not taking care of myself. before i started noticing my room getting messier (usually a sign that my mood will shortly follow), i had a wonderful sunday. it’s what i want to focus on, so i can remember how to recreate it when the motivation comes. 

i didn’t work sunday (first day off in weeks! amazing). i woke up and read audrey at home, a gift from my nana earlier in the week 

i swept my house. cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and carried up some outdoor furniture bc the sun was shining. i lit a candle and listened to music (regina spektor! to remind me of her concert). i even baked a cake. it’s a recipe from the sixties from my cookbook-gifting nana.

 

a dear friend came over and we walked around my city, deciding on a french fry dinner to go w our movie night after (black swan and then an education). we laughed and slipped vodka into our vegan hot chocolate and i felt at peace. i felt content in the day, in my choices for myself. 

and then, like magic, like cinderella after midnight, the next morning the good feelings lessened. more and more until here i am, looking back fondly until the next time i can choose those feelings for myself. honestly, i don’t have to wait around until my next day off, or for someone i adore to come visit me. i can incorporate more routines into my every day, soak up as much sunshine as i can. but until then, until i can convince myself that i deserve to feel like that everyday, i’m just going to look at pictures from sunday from my bed


here’s to a sunday state of mind!

xo,

bee

vegan chocolate snacking cake, makes one 13×9 inch cake *

preheat oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit and grease pan

in a medium bowl, stir three cups flour (all purpose), two cups sugar, four tablespoons cocoa powder, one teaspoon sea salt w two teaspoons baking soda. in another bowl, mix two tablespoons vanilla**, two-thirds cup of gmo-free canola oil, two tablespoons white vinegar and two cups cold coffee. combine the two, pour into greased baking pan and bake until set in the middle, about thirty-five minutes. dust w powdered sugar, or make a glaze of powdered sugar, cocoa powder and coffee. best served warm. 

*- i halved the recipe for my bundt pan. this cake can also fit into two nine inch round pans as well. 

**- almond extract can be (and really should be) substitues for about a quarter or third of the vanilla called for. other recommended add-ins are berries, shredded coconut and vegan chocolate chips. 

Anxiety

or, you should get to work half an hour before/ fashionably late, what the hell is that?/ always be on time, but earlier/ what if my house burns down?/ am i asking too many questions?/ i don’t want to draw attention to myself, so i will wait to get up to pee until the three hour movie is over. etc.

my Anxiety and i have been acquainted since i was six. i was in catholic school and some girls were telling a scary story at recess. i wanted to stop listening, bc i had a sinking feeling that i didn’t want to hear it. i didn’t move until she stopped. that story was playing itself over and over in my mind, and i remember wondering if i looked in the mirror, i fi would see a knife. if my doll would murder my family. if blood would drip out of the faucet. i am six and already i am having trouble getting to sleep. i remember waking up in the middle of the night, crying bc my stomach felt like it was exploding. the story kept coming in waves, all i could see was the knife, the doll, the blood. my parents came into my bed. i remember being unable to tell them about it, maybe that was part of the tale; if you told, you’d be next. they asked over and over if i was okay, what had happened, what hurts. my parents knew that my stomach hurt bad enough that i couldn’t stop my crying, so they took me to the emergency room. of course, nothing was found but i spent the night. i remember apple juice and the hospital bed.

after that, my relationship w my Anxiety is a blur of my parents coming to hold me, asking “what’s the worst that could happen?” (it was always my family dying. worried about homework due dates? my family will die if it isn’t in on time. tell me your best Anxiety logic), cold compresses, sips of shaking glasses of water, juice, anything. i remember finding a book called “helping your anxious child” and thinking that i was causing them problems.

i remember being about ten, staying up really late, just crying to myself, wondering where i would go, what would happen to me when i died. i didn’t trust heaven. i wanted to know if i would know anyone there, if anything i did would be remembered or if it even mattered, and then it hit me that my parents would probably die before me and how awful that would be. i laid in bed like that, those carousleing thoughts making me dizzy and sick, until i wore myself out. i didn’t tell me parents, didn’t want them to worry about me or try to make it better. how could they? i asked to be medicated a few years later, and my mum told me that we could beat it without medicine, mind over matter and all that. it was always “we”, like it was solely a team effort. they were confused and tried their best despite that but it was agony. i was bullied for it, and eventually, homeschooled for mostly unrelated reasons bc what if when i told my parents, they would tell the school and the bullying would get worse?

my panic attacks have slowed in their frequency. i used to get them many times, but i think, surprisingly, that my parents were right when they assured me i would outgrow them. they still happen. there was one so bad during a pastry class practical ( i can never ever look at a charlotte russe torte again) that i had to leave class after receiving my less-than-perfect grade. the room spun and i hid in the bathroom until i could drive. or, there was last week, when i had been finding ants in my bedroom and needed to shower and scrub off the itching, crawling feeling when i thought i saw ants all over the bathroom ceiling. i slid into the corner and started hyperventilating. glamorous! i’m an adult, now w a crippling fear of ants. hopefully, it will lessen but i have ant traps everywhere until then.

my Anxiety likes to point out that maybe all my friends are just pretending to like me. that when they don’t text back within fifteen minutes it’s bc they actually hate me and have finally decided to end our relationship. it makes me worry every! time! that the amount of time i take to reply to texts is either too desperate or too long, therefore losing the interest whoever i’m texting probably didn’t have to begin w. if i am in any kind of meeting or event that requires sitting, i cannot bring myself to be excused for any reason. it would cause everyone to stare, to reveal that i’m trying to be the center of attention. and then a tornado would hit and my second grade teacher would yell at me and my parents would die and the only thing they would leave me in their will would be that stupid-ass “helping your anxious child” book. then somehow my boss would be there and tell me i was a pity hire. it all makes sense in the moment, and it’s terrifying. even more terrifying is that i know. i know it’s completely irrational.  we could analyze it forever, write a thesis paper on how aliens are not a specific threat to me an yet, in the eye of the panic attack storm, i will obsess over nothing else. i will be so distressed over an alien abduction without knowing why. it’s like the dealers choice, the curse of the draw with my Anxiety. let’s become crippled w fear over the thought of a hurricane in Michigan, the first of its kind, just for you. date night for your mum and dad? yes, you’re fifteen, but sit by the window all night to make sure it’s their car you see coming home, not the police to tell you that they were killed in an accident.

when i can remember to, i like to practice “grounding” my anxiety attacks. i pick one of each senses; find something to see, smell, hear, touch, taste. i still play “what’s the worst” but with my own twist- the worst scenario after death/major health issue. slowing my breath is wonderful when i can manage to. sometimes, i will allow myself ten seconds if i can feel my stress getting high of letting my guard down to freak out; i feel my racing heart, and maybe sit and just let my mind flood while counting down. then i straighten, take a deep breath and carry on w getting my shit done. easy! these are little tips and tricks that tend to work out for me, let me know if you have any and if one of these weird things sound doable, give them a try! what’s the worst that could happen?

xo,

bee

 

 

currently

i like little updates like these. i also enjoy looking back at what i was up to, so, currently, i am:

watching: the office all the way through for the first time !! obsessed

listening to: werewolf by fiona apple. like on repeat, again and again. can’t stop. that, and regina spektor, endlessly.

reading: i am a huge book nerd. last year, i read seventy books. right now, it’s girl w the dragon tattoo. it’s only the first few chapters, so no definite thoughts on it have formed.

excited: to make a cake for my roommate/life coach’s engagement party later this weekend.

nervous about: the world.

wanting: to find 100$ i can spend w out thinking too hard. preferably at target.

happy that: …. will get back to you in that one. it has been a rough couple of days.

feel free to add yours!

here’s to the present

xo,

bee