latest ink

last week, i arrived at my new favourite tattoo parlour for my appointment and sat comfortably for the afternoon while my artist artist and i made each other laugh, and ponder v deep thoughts while singing along to an extremely diverse playlist. i almost cried when he finished. i had gone in a few days before to brainstorm and am perfectly pleased w the outcome. 


it has always amazed me how differently mental and physical are treated. okay, long story short (bc i am already tired of the oncoming rant that usually follows this), i got a tattoo of a bouquet w ribbon saying “get well soon” around it. bc why the fuck can’t us mental illness sufferers get flowers or even balloons brought to cheer us up? i would settle for a card. i am realising that i have never gotten a card, not even during my darkest days. i hope i will someday, so until then, i will admire the bouquet from myself


the four flowers that i have and the meanings behind them (i know the symbolism in the floral language differs but these are the ones that i chose to focus on):

peonies for prosperity 

lillies of the valleys for increased happiness

gladioluses for strength of character 

queen anne’s lace for sanctuary 

and that about does it for my latest addition to my body. can’t stop staring. 

get well soon and don’t forget to send a card to your favourite person struggling w mental/invisible illnesses,

xo

bee

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currently

happy saturday! the weather reached eighty degrees today and i was at the farmers market before work so it’s been a p good day. 

currently, i am:

listening to: joanne by lady gaga. obsessed. 

watching: the office and anything funny to get the gut-wrenching after taste of 13 reasons why out of my system. i actually don’t know how i feel about it. i wanted to throw up, i sobbed, and haven’t been feeling too pleasant after watching it. v well done though! i applaud them for not glamorizing suicide. 

feeling: energized by the weather or the many shots of espresso i am slipping into my drinks. 

craving: another chile mocha, like the one from this morning at germack coffee. 

excited for: more trips to eastern market !! i went w my parents and we bought some lovely daffodils. 

baking: (or planning on it) nutella babka for my family tomorrow 

reading: one of my favourites from high school: mara, daughter of the nile. i am v pleased bc so far it’s exactly as i remember it, and glad it hasn’t disappointed me in that sense. you know how sometimes you turn back to something you’ve always loved, only to find it isn’t the same? not the case here. i couldn’t be happier about it. 

wanting: to go on vacation !! 

nervous about: my family wanting me to go to church w them for easter tomorrow. i haven’t been to church other than weddings or funerals in ages and i don’t know if i can do it. also going to jury duty monday. also everything. the news is a scary place to examine right now. 

that’s about all! what are you up to?

xo,

bee

sunday

this week has been rough. it involved laying in bed until the last possible moment before dragging myself to work and plastering a smile on my face. it’s been netflix, weird once-a-day meals and not taking care of myself. before i started noticing my room getting messier (usually a sign that my mood will shortly follow), i had a wonderful sunday. it’s what i want to focus on, so i can remember how to recreate it when the motivation comes. 

i didn’t work sunday (first day off in weeks! amazing). i woke up and read audrey at home, a gift from my nana earlier in the week 

i swept my house. cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and carried up some outdoor furniture bc the sun was shining. i lit a candle and listened to music (regina spektor! to remind me of her concert). i even baked a cake. it’s a recipe from the sixties from my cookbook-gifting nana.

 

a dear friend came over and we walked around my city, deciding on a french fry dinner to go w our movie night after (black swan and then an education). we laughed and slipped vodka into our vegan hot chocolate and i felt at peace. i felt content in the day, in my choices for myself. 

and then, like magic, like cinderella after midnight, the next morning the good feelings lessened. more and more until here i am, looking back fondly until the next time i can choose those feelings for myself. honestly, i don’t have to wait around until my next day off, or for someone i adore to come visit me. i can incorporate more routines into my every day, soak up as much sunshine as i can. but until then, until i can convince myself that i deserve to feel like that everyday, i’m just going to look at pictures from sunday from my bed


here’s to a sunday state of mind!

xo,

bee

vegan chocolate snacking cake, makes one 13×9 inch cake *

preheat oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit and grease pan

in a medium bowl, stir three cups flour (all purpose), two cups sugar, four tablespoons cocoa powder, one teaspoon sea salt w two teaspoons baking soda. in another bowl, mix two tablespoons vanilla**, two-thirds cup of gmo-free canola oil, two tablespoons white vinegar and two cups cold coffee. combine the two, pour into greased baking pan and bake until set in the middle, about thirty-five minutes. dust w powdered sugar, or make a glaze of powdered sugar, cocoa powder and coffee. best served warm. 

*- i halved the recipe for my bundt pan. this cake can also fit into two nine inch round pans as well. 

**- almond extract can be (and really should be) substitues for about a quarter or third of the vanilla called for. other recommended add-ins are berries, shredded coconut and vegan chocolate chips. 

currently

i like little updates like these. i also enjoy looking back at what i was up to, so, currently, i am:

watching: the office all the way through for the first time !! obsessed

listening to: werewolf by fiona apple. like on repeat, again and again. can’t stop. that, and regina spektor, endlessly.

reading: i am a huge book nerd. last year, i read seventy books. right now, it’s girl w the dragon tattoo. it’s only the first few chapters, so no definite thoughts on it have formed.

excited: to make a cake for my roommate/life coach’s engagement party later this weekend.

nervous about: the world.

wanting: to find 100$ i can spend w out thinking too hard. preferably at target.

happy that: …. will get back to you in that one. it has been a rough couple of days.

feel free to add yours!

here’s to the present

xo,

bee

an on-going list of fears

or, modern day monsters under my bed/ things i think about on a daily basis

let’s get the obvious one out of the way: i worry about death. old age. my family and friends dying.

my friends letting me know i was never liked by them.

my v questionable car finally kicking the bucket on my way to work. me getting fired as a result. blowing a tire. getting pulled over. on the freeway. the police.

i’m afraid that somehow my checks or card transactions aren’t working and suddenly i owe everyone money. taxes. my bank accounts being drained. having to move back into my parents house (obviously meaning i’ve failed at my adulthood). finding out my roommate is tired of me. burglary. fire. ants all over my walls. break-ins and squatters. being homeless. waking up in a hospital being told that my life was a hallucination. surgery. THE DENTIST.

my phone falling into the toilet. my coworkers hating me for not taking some of their shifts. getting fired. finding out i was just a pity hire. eating in front of other people. eating by myself. medication side effects. walking to my car alone at night. men. macing myself instead of the attacker.

i sometimes worry that people speaking in a foreign language around me are talking about me. i worry that this make me a narcissist. what i look like. if i even look good in lipstick. if i’m overdressed.  too early. too late. too boring by being on time. like, there’s that weird girl. she’s exactly on time for everything. how unoriginal and sad that she has nothing else going on.

how ridiculous i am for even making this list, having this blog, thinking people want to read it. i’m worried that noone reads this but also terrified that someone is. that i’m not doing anything worthwhile and i still haven’t found something i’m good at. what if my true passion is still out there and i haven’t explored it yet? what if i never do?

i’m terrified of space. of being underwater. the afterlife, basically the unknown.

i’m afraid of the man in my white house and the things he tries to do. of the people who drink in everything he says and live by their hatred of difference. i’m afraid for the people who are being targeted.

also clowns.

add yours! it’s fun to voice your fears and put them out into the open for everyone to judge.

xo,

bee

 

 

things i should get done today

or a to-do list that will intimidate me until my Anxiety forces me to complete it/ what i should be doing instead of netflix

i should get out of bed

i should get in the shower

i should get out of the shower

stop picking at my nails

get off of the bathroom floor

i should stop tearing my room apart looking for ants

stop thinking about ants

soothe my skin w lotion and not dwell on how much i hate my body

i should text my friend back

stop refreshing instagram

breathe deeply

i should gently let my coworker know that no, i cannot come in early to work his shift, bc i can hardly picture dragging myself in for my miniscule shift tonight, let alone getting myself dressed.

i should make some attempt at feeding myself something other than coffee

i should grade those tests

i should make my way to the store to buy basics

(i should realise that there’s no way in hell that’s happening today)

takeoutthegarbagedomylaundrycleanmyroommakemybedtextmymumcheckmyemailthinkabout-wherei’mgoingtolivethisfallseewhatbillsareduecallmylandladyaboutascarynoticeforaprevious-ownerishould-

i should do so many things but all i can do is sit in bed, covered in blankets and be overwhelmed. my Anxiety hates putting things off but my Depression is moaning “tomorrow” over and over in a steady monotone stream.

tomorrow it is bc holy shit you guys was today hard. still here. still breathing. 

xo,

bee

first impressions are the worst

and yet here we are. i don’t see a way out of this. it’s v late (or early, depending on how you see it) and i’ve just come home from work (one of three jobs; barista, baking sous chef at a culinary college and assistant to the master baker at said culinary college). this seemed like the reasonable thing to do. i am sending all these raw emotions out into the world, naked for you to see. and i don’t think i mind, i like hearing what people say, knowing their opinions on everything so maybe someone else does, too. writing comes naturally to me, and by that i mean i enjoy it until writer’s block hits and i want to never see the alphabet again. let’s clear the air. i suffer from Major Depression, Anxiety, and OCD tendencies. that is the list i will share, for now. i am still valid, even though my Depression tells me otherwise. i want to be able to coexist w these illnesses, acknowledge them but not let them control me. this is me writing about things i feel (how original!!) and whatever the hell i am doing w my life.

there is more to me besides my lovely bouquet of mental illnesses (this is worse than any first date i’ve been on, too, so bear w me. and i’ve been on some terrible ones), so have some more information that you never asked for: i don’t have blood in m veins! it’s all coffee! shhh. i’ve been writing poetry since the third grade. maybe if you’re lucky, i’ll feel especially like punishing myself and share a piece! i always wear lipstick, to distract people from the ugly f*cking words that come out of my mouth (lips of a flapper, mouth of a sailor). i bake when i am bored, so recipes may pop up (a lifestyle, recipe inclusive blog that talks about mental health? the future is now). i am a vegan (oh no, there goes the one reader i had), but by no means healthy (depression meals will be a common feature. bag of popcorn? personal favourite. nothing besides lattes for 36 hours followed by just oatmeal? check. feel free to send me yours!). i am the person who drinks coconut water after smoking a third of a box of cigarettes (oh no, she smokes? those are so bad for you. i know this, and that’s honestly an appealing aspect for me). you know, to take care of my body. i never grew out of the goth phase i went through when i was fourteen. i still wake up and outline my eyes in black, and dress in black (if i am feeling daring, i will shock everyone and don grey. maybe one piece of mustard yellow clothing but probably not). i am twenty. i do not care (my lipstick is the exception of my colour hatred, but don’t think i exclude black from my collection). . i have seven tattoos (that number will go up at least twice in the next few months. i say the word “like” too much. people watching is my passion. it always amazes me that every single person on earth is as complex and thorough and emotional as i am (maybe not the emotional part but you get it). crazy. life is weird. life is short (or long, bc usually i really don’t understand time). why spend it angry at other people (be angry at yourself! i do it!).

honestly, this feels like too much, my only consoling thought is that noone is reading this. maybe i want it to stay that way. all in all, nothing matters. i don’t 100% mean it in that dismal way, but, think about it. noone knows what they’re truly doing. don’t take things too seriously. do that thing that you love. love who you love. who knows how long we have.

if you’ve made it through all of my two a.m thoughts, good for you! you can probably stomach anything else i write. thank you for being here, and for my Depression survivors (that’s what we do, survive. we are living w something that wants to kill us. celebrate yourself), thank you for being, here and now. i mean it, that’s obviously why i used italics.

i am taking a leap, i am trying something new. i am holding my breath and sharing my thoughts. thank you.

xo,

bee