first impressions are the worst

and yet here we are. i don’t see a way out of this. it’s v late (or early, depending on how you see it) and i’ve just come home from work (one of three jobs; barista, baking sous chef at a culinary college and assistant to the master baker at said culinary college). this seemed like the reasonable thing to do. i am sending all these raw emotions out into the world, naked for you to see. and i don’t think i mind, i like hearing what people say, knowing their opinions on everything so maybe someone else does, too. writing comes naturally to me, and by that i mean i enjoy it until writer’s block hits and i want to never see the alphabet again. let’s clear the air. i suffer from Major Depression, Anxiety, and OCD tendencies. that is the list i will share, for now. i am still valid, even though my Depression tells me otherwise. i want to be able to coexist w these illnesses, acknowledge them but not let them control me. this is me writing about things i feel (how original!!) and whatever the hell i am doing w my life.

there is more to me besides my lovely bouquet of mental illnesses (this is worse than any first date i’ve been on, too, so bear w me. and i’ve been on some terrible ones), so have some more information that you never asked for: i don’t have blood in m veins! it’s all coffee! shhh. i’ve been writing poetry since the third grade. maybe if you’re lucky, i’ll feel especially like punishing myself and share a piece! i always wear lipstick, to distract people from the ugly f*cking words that come out of my mouth (lips of a flapper, mouth of a sailor). i bake when i am bored, so recipes may pop up (a lifestyle, recipe inclusive blog that talks about mental health? the future is now). i am a vegan (oh no, there goes the one reader i had), but by no means healthy (depression meals will be a common feature. bag of popcorn? personal favourite. nothing besides lattes for 36 hours followed by just oatmeal? check. feel free to send me yours!). i am the person who drinks coconut water after smoking a third of a box of cigarettes (oh no, she smokes? those are so bad for you. i know this, and that’s honestly an appealing aspect for me). you know, to take care of my body. i never grew out of the goth phase i went through when i was fourteen. i still wake up and outline my eyes in black, and dress in black (if i am feeling daring, i will shock everyone and don grey. maybe one piece of mustard yellow clothing but probably not). i am twenty. i do not care (my lipstick is the exception of my colour hatred, but don’t think i exclude black from my collection). . i have seven tattoos (that number will go up at least twice in the next few months. i say the word “like” too much. people watching is my passion. it always amazes me that every single person on earth is as complex and thorough and emotional as i am (maybe not the emotional part but you get it). crazy. life is weird. life is short (or long, bc usually i really don’t understand time). why spend it angry at other people (be angry at yourself! i do it!).

honestly, this feels like too much, my only consoling thought is that noone is reading this. maybe i want it to stay that way. all in all, nothing matters. i don’t 100% mean it in that dismal way, but, think about it. noone knows what they’re truly doing. don’t take things too seriously. do that thing that you love. love who you love. who knows how long we have.

if you’ve made it through all of my two a.m thoughts, good for you! you can probably stomach anything else i write. thank you for being here, and for my Depression survivors (that’s what we do, survive. we are living w something that wants to kill us. celebrate yourself), thank you for being, here and now. i mean it, that’s obviously why i used italics.

i am taking a leap, i am trying something new. i am holding my breath and sharing my thoughts. thank you.

xo,

bee