an on-going list of fears

or, modern day monsters under my bed/ things i think about on a daily basis

let’s get the obvious one out of the way: i worry about death. old age. my family and friends dying.

my friends letting me know i was never liked by them.

my v questionable car finally kicking the bucket on my way to work. me getting fired as a result. blowing a tire. getting pulled over. on the freeway. the police.

i’m afraid that somehow my checks or card transactions aren’t working and suddenly i owe everyone money. taxes. my bank accounts being drained. having to move back into my parents house (obviously meaning i’ve failed at my adulthood). finding out my roommate is tired of me. burglary. fire. ants all over my walls. break-ins and squatters. being homeless. waking up in a hospital being told that my life was a hallucination. surgery. THE DENTIST.

my phone falling into the toilet. my coworkers hating me for not taking some of their shifts. getting fired. finding out i was just a pity hire. eating in front of other people. eating by myself. medication side effects. walking to my car alone at night. men. macing myself instead of the attacker.

i sometimes worry that people speaking in a foreign language around me are talking about me. i worry that this make me a narcissist. what i look like. if i even look good in lipstick. if i’m overdressed.  too early. too late. too boring by being on time. like, there’s that weird girl. she’s exactly on time for everything. how unoriginal and sad that she has nothing else going on.

how ridiculous i am for even making this list, having this blog, thinking people want to read it. i’m worried that noone reads this but also terrified that someone is. that i’m not doing anything worthwhile and i still haven’t found something i’m good at. what if my true passion is still out there and i haven’t explored it yet? what if i never do?

i’m terrified of space. of being underwater. the afterlife, basically the unknown.

i’m afraid of the man in my white house and the things he tries to do. of the people who drink in everything he says and live by their hatred of difference. i’m afraid for the people who are being targeted.

also clowns.

add yours! it’s fun to voice your fears and put them out into the open for everyone to judge.

xo,

bee

 

 

things i should get done today

or a to-do list that will intimidate me until my Anxiety forces me to complete it/ what i should be doing instead of netflix

i should get out of bed

i should get in the shower

i should get out of the shower

stop picking at my nails

get off of the bathroom floor

i should stop tearing my room apart looking for ants

stop thinking about ants

soothe my skin w lotion and not dwell on how much i hate my body

i should text my friend back

stop refreshing instagram

breathe deeply

i should gently let my coworker know that no, i cannot come in early to work his shift, bc i can hardly picture dragging myself in for my miniscule shift tonight, let alone getting myself dressed.

i should make some attempt at feeding myself something other than coffee

i should grade those tests

i should make my way to the store to buy basics

(i should realise that there’s no way in hell that’s happening today)

takeoutthegarbagedomylaundrycleanmyroommakemybedtextmymumcheckmyemailthinkabout-wherei’mgoingtolivethisfallseewhatbillsareduecallmylandladyaboutascarynoticeforaprevious-ownerishould-

i should do so many things but all i can do is sit in bed, covered in blankets and be overwhelmed. my Anxiety hates putting things off but my Depression is moaning “tomorrow” over and over in a steady monotone stream.

tomorrow it is bc holy shit you guys was today hard. still here. still breathing. 

xo,

bee